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Upside Down
My head is spinning right now. Two years after committing my life to a cause I believed in, it all came to a crashing halt today.
How can someone who seemed so big last week seem so small & weak today?
I believed it. I believed it all. I left behind family, friends, possessions to put everything I had into changing the system. I KNEW this one was the real deal. I could trust him. Everything we had been looking for could be found in this man's leadership.
We were going to make a difference. I wasn't sure if it would be just local or perhaps national, but we were going to change the order of things. It was the end of "business of usual," both for the political establishment & for the religious hypocrites in this town. This guy knew what he was talking about. And he talked big!
And I believed him.
To be fair, a number of people did. I suppose there's a follower for every leader, but this guy seemed to pull from every walk of life, every age, every level of intelligence. He wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty, getting right in the thick of things, working with those who needed it most, & fighting fire with fire when it came to the bullies who thought they ran this town.
Then, the local fat cats got the government involved, and today a nightmare unfolded in front of my eyes.
He seemed to sense we were screwed, that it was about to go very badly. I just figured the pressure was getting to him... we were making inroads, more & more people were taking to heart our advice. Night before last was the worst, with him staying up all night & insisting we stay up, too, & keep watch for... what?
We found out "what" around daybreak, when the cops came & arrested him. Just like that, a movement ground to a halt. Most of the guys I had been working with have scattered to the four winds, likely afraid they are next, expecting a "sweep" of the town to get rid of us all.
I think now that they have our leader they know the rest of us will be too afraid to speak out. We will shut up, people will forget, and society will go back to the status quo.
I had to see what would happen. Like a train wreck, I just couldn't look away. The charges were some form of treason... yet this claim was made by people who are constantly working AGAINST the ruling party! Talk about a double-standard. Some say the authorities did it to avoid a riot... people will riot in this town over sports, so you can imagine, grease a few palms with some extra cash, instant riot.
Today, he was put to death by the state.
Usually I am pleased to hear of state executions, knowing those being executed are getting what they deserved. Yet, there was the man I had believed to be the leader of a new era, led to death. I can't get the image of his mother, present at the execution, the pain carved into the wrinkles on her face, out of my head. I close my eyes & her empty, reddened eyes are staring back at me... & I can't decide if she is looking for comfort, or accusing me of encouraging him to do what led to this.
Tonight, I find myself feeling more alone than I have at any time in my life. My hopes, my dreams, everything about me was wrapped up in his plans for the nation. It's as if we were cruising along together, & today we ran into a brick wall at top speed.
Was it real? Was it any of it real? If it wasn't, what was his motive? And why didn't I see it? Why would he do what he had to have known would lead to his death? Even as I ask that, I know psychopaths will often do what they know will eventually result in their capture for the thrill of the moment... but where was the thrill? Was he all ego driven?
72 hours ago I knew where I was going, what I wanted, how I was going to get it.
Now, time has completely stopped for me. I don't know what to do, where to go, what to plan for, or even what I believe anymore.
It can't have all been a lie... can it?
How can someone who seemed so big last week seem so small & weak today?
I believed it. I believed it all. I left behind family, friends, possessions to put everything I had into changing the system. I KNEW this one was the real deal. I could trust him. Everything we had been looking for could be found in this man's leadership.
We were going to make a difference. I wasn't sure if it would be just local or perhaps national, but we were going to change the order of things. It was the end of "business of usual," both for the political establishment & for the religious hypocrites in this town. This guy knew what he was talking about. And he talked big!
And I believed him.
To be fair, a number of people did. I suppose there's a follower for every leader, but this guy seemed to pull from every walk of life, every age, every level of intelligence. He wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty, getting right in the thick of things, working with those who needed it most, & fighting fire with fire when it came to the bullies who thought they ran this town.
Then, the local fat cats got the government involved, and today a nightmare unfolded in front of my eyes.
He seemed to sense we were screwed, that it was about to go very badly. I just figured the pressure was getting to him... we were making inroads, more & more people were taking to heart our advice. Night before last was the worst, with him staying up all night & insisting we stay up, too, & keep watch for... what?
We found out "what" around daybreak, when the cops came & arrested him. Just like that, a movement ground to a halt. Most of the guys I had been working with have scattered to the four winds, likely afraid they are next, expecting a "sweep" of the town to get rid of us all.
I think now that they have our leader they know the rest of us will be too afraid to speak out. We will shut up, people will forget, and society will go back to the status quo.
I had to see what would happen. Like a train wreck, I just couldn't look away. The charges were some form of treason... yet this claim was made by people who are constantly working AGAINST the ruling party! Talk about a double-standard. Some say the authorities did it to avoid a riot... people will riot in this town over sports, so you can imagine, grease a few palms with some extra cash, instant riot.
Today, he was put to death by the state.
Usually I am pleased to hear of state executions, knowing those being executed are getting what they deserved. Yet, there was the man I had believed to be the leader of a new era, led to death. I can't get the image of his mother, present at the execution, the pain carved into the wrinkles on her face, out of my head. I close my eyes & her empty, reddened eyes are staring back at me... & I can't decide if she is looking for comfort, or accusing me of encouraging him to do what led to this.
Tonight, I find myself feeling more alone than I have at any time in my life. My hopes, my dreams, everything about me was wrapped up in his plans for the nation. It's as if we were cruising along together, & today we ran into a brick wall at top speed.
Was it real? Was it any of it real? If it wasn't, what was his motive? And why didn't I see it? Why would he do what he had to have known would lead to his death? Even as I ask that, I know psychopaths will often do what they know will eventually result in their capture for the thrill of the moment... but where was the thrill? Was he all ego driven?
72 hours ago I knew where I was going, what I wanted, how I was going to get it.
Now, time has completely stopped for me. I don't know what to do, where to go, what to plan for, or even what I believe anymore.
It can't have all been a lie... can it?
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